ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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