so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your penis caused this!
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