I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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