She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
where are my eyebrows?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
