I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
