if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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