Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
