Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
