I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have fence marks all over my body
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
