If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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