Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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