Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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