She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
