So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I believe in your delicious
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
