my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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