Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
it glows. i had to have it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
