I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
