Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Randomize
