I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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