Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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