Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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