Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
