News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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