dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
