So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
