Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
