u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
