I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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