The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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