dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
