Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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