Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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