It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
