Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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