dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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