So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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