you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize