Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret

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  (310): i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret http://tfl.nu/lkw1
  Replies (3) Good night (704) Bad night (1633)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.

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  (505): I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously. http://tfl.nu/fpp3
  Replies (23) Good night (3179) Bad night (881)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

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  (414): You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!" http://tfl.nu/0oge
  Replies (16) Good night (7881) Bad night (1108)
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  (209): View more from California

  I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

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  (209): I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car. http://tfl.nu/v5pu
  Replies (31) Good night (1403) Bad night (7836)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.

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  (770): Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave. http://tfl.nu/avq0
  Replies (18) Good night (1350) Bad night (4587)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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  (774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1
  Replies (5) Good night (6090) Bad night (1328)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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  (502): How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast http://tfl.nu/g6rv
  Replies (15) Good night (1940) Bad night (4479)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

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  (501): I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/edkm
  Replies (6) Good night (1065) Bad night (629)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth

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  (701): This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth http://tfl.nu/r917
  Replies (12) Good night (974) Bad night (709)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.

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  (443): Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame. http://tfl.nu/nf1o
  Replies (3) Good night (407) Bad night (890)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "

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  (252): Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison " http://tfl.nu/v70i
  Replies (5) Good night (593) Bad night (1057)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.

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  (425): There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above. http://tfl.nu/ffte
  Replies (2) Good night (1023) Bad night (348)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.

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  (215): Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke. http://tfl.nu/g0ji
  Replies (2) Good night (705) Bad night (427)
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  (818): View more from California

  I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads

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  (818): I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads http://tfl.nu/it8j
  Replies (5) Good night (473) Bad night (442)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Is Oprah even human

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  (239): Is Oprah even human http://tfl.nu/1pua
  Replies (2) Good night (196) Bad night (216)

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