I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
