Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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