I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
