woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
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He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize