I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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