I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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