i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
