I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
