remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
