I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
