just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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