Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
