Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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