he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Come on in and take your pants off
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