told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
