And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
