You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
