i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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