The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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